Sleepless in Texas

Nothing helps.

Every night at 3 a.m. BOING! Wide awake. No matter when I go to bed. At 9:00 p.m. Midnight. Even 2 a.m. Doesn’t matter. At 3 a.m. it’s a Call to Awakening. Like the sirens calling from the shore. A naturopathic doctor told me the hours from 3:00 to 5:00 a.m.are about grief. I’ll say so. I’m grieving for the days (or nights, rather) when I slept. Sure, I used to get up once or twice to go to the bathroom…but this is a whole other world. I awake at 3:00 and can’t go back to sleep until 5:00. And it all started when I began doing “The Presence Process” (by Michael Brown). I haven’t slept since. And that was back in June. It’s a 10-week process and one of the hardest things I’ve ever done…and I lived in a Zen monastery (talk about hard). But I completed the 10-week process and, stick a fork in me, I was done. As Rumi said: Burnt to a crisp and still raw. Brown recommends doing the process THREE times. WTF? But to definitely take at least a three-week break before starting again. OK. Whatever. Thanks, but no thanks. And you’ll never believe it, but as week three rolled around I found myself picking up the book and starting in all over again. So now I’m in Week Four (Round Two)…and still sleepless…I even tried natural sleeping pills and once every few nights they work…but for the most part, I got nothing. I don’t want to avoid the experience, whatever that is going to be, and I don’t want to “sedate and control” as Brown describes it. But good grief, I’m tired. Yet I feel it’s essential in this process…like being a piece of silver hammered by a jeweler…or a piece of hot metal pounded by a blacksmith…I am definitely being worked…and worked over…like a potter’s lump of clay…and the other night I had the most amazing dream of my belly (solar plexus?) opening and giving birth, so to speak, to two horses…they were facing each other, legs folded up, and when my stomach opened, they unfolded and arose up and out of me…it was a very positive, powerful feeling…sleep used to be my escape so that’s probably why I don’t get any now…it’s all about surrender…about letting go…having NO control…and NOT WANTING to have control…I’m yawning…guess I’ll lay down for my three or four hours of sleep…

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